Would It Be So Wrong to Lie About My Baby's Age?

My husband made me stop lying about my age while we were still dating (I used to shave off a year, just to take the edge off) and I truly haven’t done it since. Though recently I have been tempted to shave a couple of weeks off my daughter’s age. See, the thing is that I make small babies so my seven-week-old currently looks about three weeks (she weighs just over eight pounds) and I went through the same thing with my son.

Her small size is not something I worry about as she is healthy and growing and has been able to hold her head upright without support since the day she was born thankyouverymuch but I am still exhausted by people asking how old she is and then inevitably following up by telling me how tiny she is and how she looks younger than her age (as though I had not yet given her a really good, hard look).  I do have a bunch of stock responses along the lines of “small people make small babies” or “a big baby would have required a paternity test” or even the “my son was small too and look how well he’s doing” at which time I point to my 26-month-old (who still wears size 18-24 months) as proof that I do indeed feed my children, but it’s still a conversation that I dread. Incidentally, people’s follow-up question (yes. they have follow up questions) tends to be “how much did she weigh when she was born?” which I find so irritating that my follow-up question has almost become “Why? How much do you weigh?”. Of course these comments fall into the harmless if irritating box --worse are the ones that are downright rude.

Take what happened three weeks ago - I was sitting on a bench outside, nursing my daughter while talking to my son (we had been walking home from the grocery store when the baby got very hungry). A random woman sits down next to me and tells me that my daughter is pretty. I realize that she is talking about my son and I correct her, while thanking her for the compliment. She defends herself by bringing my son’s long eyelashes into evidence (they are apparently “too long for a boy”)(at which time I make a mental note to stop putting mascara on my two-year-old. Son) She then looks at my daughter, who is now finished nursing, and tells me that she is too skinny. At this point I muster up every ounce of self-control I have (as this woman was surely NOT too skinny and I was tempted to tell her as much), put my daughter back into the stroller and walk away with my skinny daughter and girly son.

Afterwards, friends were full of suggestions about what I should have said to this opinionated stranger -- from the overly-polite-too-highroad-for-my-blood “thank you for your comments” to the clever “she is a girl-- she can never be too thin” to the very rude “eff off” but the bigger question is not necessarily what I should have said, but why this woman felt like it was acceptable to say anything to begin with.  I mean, had I been standing there alone with my husband, would she have felt entitled to make similar appearance-related comments? (NOTE TO HUSBAND: I am not implying that you are girly-- I am merely tying to illustrate a point). Why are people’s children fair game? And by children, I am also including zygotes given that comments start the minute pregnancy is suspected (“is that a baby bump or a big lunch?”). And while most comments are harmless if inappropriate (for example the time a normally very respectful friend’s husband commented on the size of my usually-small-but-bigger-when-I’m-preggo-breasts) some really are not. For example, I was constantly made to feel worried and self-conscious because I didn’t show all that much until the very end of both of my pregnancies (“Wow! You’re nine months pregnant? You look less then six!”) and I have a friend who was constantly made to feel like a beluga whale during hers (“Wow! Only six months? You look like you’re ready to pop!”)

I wonder if people feel entitled to comment because of the manner in which pregnant celebrities and their babies are objectified in gossip magazines or because it’s assumed that once you are “with child” you are less person, more vessel. Though I have no clue why people feel a right to comment on our children’s appearances. It must come from the same place as their desire to constantly give unsolicited advice. Which I don’t know about you, but I find super helpful – in the same way that I find people who remind me that my baby shouldn’t be crying in public by giving me dirty looks helpful.

Note: an edited version of this piece was originally published by b5media www.mommyish.com

Co-sleeping is better than not sleeping, right?

Before having baby 2 I used to joke that there was no way that I was going to have another baby who was as good a sleeper as my son-- likely in a sad attempt to unjinx myself, thereby forcing fate to give me another awesome sleeper. 

So if you didn’t know this already, preemptive unjinxing doesn’t work. At least not for me. From the day she was born my daughter was one of those babies who needed to be held constantly and who would express her dissatisfaction at being put down with a shrill, piercing scream.

By day four I was so exhausted that when my doula suggested that I try co-sleeping (something that I’d already dismissed as too dangerous and too granola for my liking), I actually listened. She showed me how to lie in such a way that I wouldn’t roll over onto the baby and so that she could nurse when she felt like it.

To say that it was relaxing would be a lie- I was sleeping with the light on, without blankets, on my side with my arm raised in a crazy Twister-esque pose which is supposed to make rolling over impossible. I would wake up with a sore arm and a sore hip, but I was waking up (read: I was actually sleeping!) This went on for two weeks.

During this time I tried to convince myself that co-sleeping was okay- safe- natural- but it was hard. When I finally got around to sifting through the package of papers that I’d been given while in hospital, I found one which set out in no uncertain terms that co-sleeping is never safe. This scared me enough to start transitioning Captain Cries-a-lot to her bassinet. Then, at our two-week appointment my pediatrician asked about my daughter’s sleep and I mentioned that I often had to put her into my own bed in order to get her to sleep at night. Now I might have read her wrong, but the doctor’s response (“if you keep doing that you will kill your baby”) leads me to believe that she is not a fan of co-sleeping. She then told me about an infant patient who died when his mother rolled over in her sleep. And no, the mom was apparently not drunk or high- just tired. Because this story knocked the wind out of me, I didn’t ask any more questions but I kind of wish that I had. Had the mother been taking all of the precautions that I had been?  Were there other extenuating factors?

Last week there were a bunch of reports on a new infant sleep study being conducted by a nurse by the name of Jennifer Combs. Combs reviewed 45 infant deaths and found that because some infant sleep deaths had not been classified as such, the number of sleep-related infant deaths was 1 in 3, as opposed to 1 in 5 which is the standard number. She is now reviewing a much bigger sample and says that she is seeing the same 1 to 3 ratio.

According to Combs the two main causes of sleep-related infant deaths are accidental smothering with a blanket, pillow or other soft item and adults rolling on top of babies while sharing a bed. But the media reports covering the study made it all about co-sleeping - about how we should never co-sleep.

Now it seems to me (in my sleep-deprived mostly stupid state, please see above) that there are a few things wrong with the way this story has been reported by the media- the most obvious being that the story should not be mainly about co-sleeping, it should be about safe sleeping. It should be about keeping soft toys and pillows out of cribs and about putting babies to bed on their backs and-- yes-- it should be about helping those people who will co-sleep despite scare tactics to find a safe way to do it. In fact, I think that my pediatrician should be doing that too. So should the hospitals.

This is not to say that I think that co-sleeping is completely safe even when no booze or drugs are involved and every precaution has been taken because, like my pediatrician says, new parents are sometimes so exhausted they are basically drunk*. But I’m a crazy person - the minute that I hear that there is a modicum of risk to my child, I will stop whatever behaviour is in question, even where most rational people might not. I am my doctor’s target audience. But some people are going to co-sleep regardless and because of that I feel as though our medical community has an obligation to provide information about safe co-sleeping practices.

After seeing the pediatrician I started putting my daughter (now five weeks) in her bassinet at night and for naps and she has somewhat adjusted, but it has not been easy. There are times I want to cry with her. And, there are times in the early morning when because it’s light out, and because I know how to co-sleep safely, and because I don’t want to start the day so exhausted that I won’t be fit to take care of my children or drive safely or remember my husband’s name (or that I have a husband), I put her into bed with me. And we both sleep.


*As someone who is currently “drunk” I will use this opportunity to remind you that this post would be at least 40 percent more readable if I were sleeping at night.

Note: An edited version of this piece was originally published by b5media www.mommyish.com

Why I Wish I’d Bought a Designer Handbag Instead of a Doula

A doula can provide comfort, support and guidance during pregnancy and labour and that extra boost of confidence you need after your baby is born. The cost? About $750. Or you can buy a really great designer handbag - a handbag that can also provide comfort and support (it would carry all you r stuff, right?). And, not unlike a doula, your fancy new purse can give you an extra boost of postpartum confidence when you are walking around in your stretchy pants, not quite able to fit into your pre-pregnancy jeans (as people will be looking at your awesome bag instead of your post-baby muffin top). The cost? About the same.

Two years ago I would have told you that the doula is the way to go, no matter how nice the bag. The first time I gave birth my husband and I engaged the services of a doula. It seemed only logical given how apprehensive my husband was at the thought of seeing our beautiful child burst out of my body. And she was fantastic- calmly guiding my husband through my labour and convincing me that pushing was the ONLY way to get the baby out when I refused to do so after learning that it was too late for an epidural. She helped me with nursing and our son’s first bath and showed me how to use our carriers. She was such an invaluable resource that we called her immediately after the 18-week ultrasound to book her for baby 2. And when we learned that she would not be available for our baby’s birth, we hired the woman she recommended after one meeting-- no references necessary.

Thirty-six weeks into my pregnancy my very conservative OB suggested that we induce around 38 weeks. Not sure what to do, I called the doula for advice. And then I called her again. And again. It took so many tries for her to return my phone call that I started to worry about what would happen when I was actually in labour.

When she finally called back I could tell that she did not think the induction was a good idea, telling me that my baby was obviously a tough baby and didn’t need to be born early (what?). She also told me that the best (and only real) way to know what to do was to lie down in a dark room and ask my baby whether she was ready to come out. Now I am not a medical professional (okay, I haven’t taken science since high school), but from what I understand, most babies are not super-keen on coming out (hence all the pushing). I also feel like it is probably hard to communicate with one’s unborn child about such issues, no matter how dim the lighting.

Once the induction process was underway we called the doula from the hospital to give her a status report at which time she reminded us that we didn’t have to go through with the induction (super helpful). She also told us to call back in a couple of hours because she was one hundred percent (!) sure that I was going to have a baby that night.  But I didn’t have a baby that night. Or the next day. So when we finally called her after twenty-six hours of contractions to tell her that my water had broken and that I was in active labour, we thought that she would be almost as excited as us to get this baby out. As it turned out, she was more excited about her supper, which she told us that she was just sitting down to and would need to finish before she got ready to come meet us. My designer bag on the other hand would have been at the hospital with me as soon as I needed it, radiating beauty while holding precious things.

When she finally did arrive, I wished that she hadn’t. Her advice was annoying (No. I don’t want a bath) and often contrary to what the (amazing) labour and delivery nurse was suggesting. And as the evening progressed her questions went from irritating (are you sure you don’t want a bath?) to downright annoying (are you going to eat this sandwich?)(I gave her the sandwich but was tempted to do so on the condition that she eat it somewhere else).

Around 2 a.m. my husband decided to take a nap, which I fully supported. I was less supportive of the doula’s nap owing to the fact that I was paying her to, well, not nap. Also, I feel like the least she could have done was ask if I minded. That being said, my biggest regret was waking her up when it was time to push four hours later. If I had to do it again I would have let her sleep. In fact, I would have had everyone whisper while I pushed on the chance that she might wake up.

It will not come as a surprise to learn that her post-partum support has been less than stellar, though happily I remember most things from the last time I did this. I guess the thing with a handbag is that you know what you are paying for when you buy it. A doula on the other hand, requires a little more research as she -unlike a handbag- is not returnable.

*An edited version of this piece was first published by b5media www.mommyish.com.

Why I will never choose the hospital as a vacation destination again

Seven weeks into my pregnancy (I am now 31 weeks) I woke up with the worst pain of my life. Worse than labour. Worse than the time I was hit by a car. Worse than the time I was run over by a motor bike. Worse than the time I was run into by a cop who was chasing someone down the street (by foot)(it still hurt - he was giant) and I ended up with a concussion and fractured elbow. Worse  then the time I fractured my knee cap. Or the other time I fractured my knee cap. So on this day of the terrible pain, I was convinced that I was having an ectopic pregnancy or that there was an alien in my body ready to burst out at any moment*. So I called my doctor’s office (not really knowing who to call for alien extraction)(do priests do this?)(for Jews?)

I knew that my doctor was on holiday in Israel but that there were several people in his practice covering for him. The doctor I spoke to told me to go to  emergency (owing to the fact that I was throwing up from the pain while we were talking) but I convinced him to let me come to the office instead (owing to my hatred of emergency rooms and hospitals in general).

After being assessed at his office I was sent to emergency with a promise that he would come see me that afternoon and that the hospital would give me morphine (which is safe for pregnancy. Crazy, right? Why don’t they tell the crack addicts about THAT?), which at that point was all I really wanted anyway.

Now before we get any further into the story, I would like to point out that I have  a crazy-high pain threshold. I worked out on a fractured knee cap thinking that it was a bruise. I missed my chance for an epidural because the nurses all thought that I was still in early labour while I was in transition**and by the time they got around to checking to see if my labour was progressing they could actually SEE MY SON'S HEAD (for some reason they will not give you an epidural at this point,  even if you beg and promise to stay very, very still)(even if you refuse to push the baby out).

So I was admitted into the hospital, into a ward room - not because our insurance wouldn’t cover a private room but because it’s Canada*** and that’s all they had. By this point they had also determined that the pregnancy was not ectopic  (phewf) but that I had two 5 centimetre (yep. Centimetre) cysts on my right ovary thus making a part of my body that should be the size of an olive (or walnut, if you prefer) the size of a grapefruit. But oddly, the doctors were not sure if that was the (only) source of the pain as they also suspected that my ovary had twisted on itself but had no way of knowing for sure. Had I not been pregnant, they would have done surgery right away (as a twisted ovary is a big deal), but because I was, we decided to wait it out (which would have been fine but for the fact that “waiting it out” includes not being allowed to eat or drink anything in case emergency surgery becomes necessary).  Needless to say, after about 48 hours of this, I was telling my husband that if he really loved me he would get me a glass of apple juice (I was on a saline IV, but I was SO, SO thirsty) and after 72 hours I was telling him that if he didn’t bring me a bagel with peanut butter I was going to have to leave him after I got out of the hospital. And I mostly meant it.

Because my doctor was out of town, I was seen by colleagues who were covering for him - a different doctor every two days or so. Interestingly, most of them could not agree as to my treatment, or even about what was wrong with me. It was super-reassuring. The first two days I was in hospital, I had Dr A - a very caring doctor who was very pro-surgery but who said things like “I really think you need surgery, but I’m just going with my gut and, to be honest, I HAVE done surgery on people unnecessarily in similar situations, so it’s really up to you”  What? Seriously?

So I asked the OB on call what she thought (no surgery). I asked the resident on call what he thought (no surgery). I asked my busy-body senior citizen roommate who knew my case better than any doctors due to her brilliant eavesdropping skills and she too voted for no surgery. So I decided to wait it out, given that unnecessary surgery is at least 93 percent more annoying than necessary surgery and also because I was pregnant and I didn’t want to put the baby at risk.  

On Monday (day 3) I met Dr. B who said that I did not need surgery which made me feel pretty good --until Dr A stopped by to tell me that he had been thinking about my case all night and that he was now almost **** completely convinced that I needed surgery. Needless to say, I did not know what to do, but I did know that I was so hungry the hospital food smelled good (I hadn’t  been allowed anything to eat or drink since Friday evening) and that if I didn’t have surgery I could have a drink. And dinner. So I chose apple juice and a peanut butter bagel over surgery. Though as soon as I ate the bagel I said to Jacob “I think I made a mistake. I think I need surgery”.

To recap, the reason I had not yet had surgery was because no-one was sure whether of nor my ovary was torsed (the doctor term for twisted) given that I was apparently not acting like I was in as much pain as someone with a torsed ovary should be (please refer to high pain threshold, Supra). However, by Tuesday, my left side was even more sore and ludicrously swollen owing to the fact that my giant right ovary had migrated to my left side. So obviously Dr. B decided that the pain and increased swelling were related to constipation (as there was a large bump when one touched my left side)(though I don’t think that I am ruining the story by revealing that this bump actually turned out to be my ovary). I tried to explain a few simple things to him - firstly, that I might not actually be constipated given that I hadn’t been allowed to eat in days (makes sense, right?) and also that the pain was so much worse than that. His response? “Constipation can be very painful.” Well guess what? So can a giant twisted ovary that has migrated to the wrong side of your body.

By Wednesday evening I decided that I’d had enough of my three roommates (one teenager and two seniors) and the very helpful protocol of laxatives they had me on, and I proceeded to sign myself out against (the mostly incompetent) doctors’ orders. For the record, I am not that rebellious - I was merely exhausted owing to the teenage roommate’s late night visitors, and my senior citizen roommate’s calling for Jesus all night long (incidentally, as far as I know, he never showed up). Also, I missed my kid so much I physically ached. So I went home.

By Thursday night I was in such excruciating pain that I called the doctor on call (a medical fellow whom I had been dealing with since I’d been admitted) at midnight to tell her that the pain was so bad I couldn’t find a comfortable position to sit or lie or stop throwing up. We’ll call her Dr HI (for humongous idiot)(because she is one). Dr HI told me to take a Gravol. So I did (which makes me a pretty big idiot too, given that I already knew that I couldn’t keep anything down.) I then waited a couple of  painful, tearful hours and called again-- very apologetically explaining that I was sorry to be calling again but that I could not take the pain. She told me to meet her at the clinic at 8 a.m. as there was no point going to the hospital that night (for her maybe). Too exhausted to argue, I agreed and waited for 7 a.m. to come.

The next morning, Jacob,  Benji and I all piled into the car at 7:30 and headed to the clinic. Because Dr HI was late, I saw Dr A again who told me to go back to the hospital ASAP and asked why I hadn’t gone when the pain started the night before. Call me petty, but I totally tattled on Dr HI at that point. It felt pretty good.

Back at the hospital (by myself- I didn’t want Benj to come in so Jacob was taking him back home where my mother was going to meet them) the admissions nurse couldn’t find my information despite the fact that Dr A had assured me that Dr. HI was going to call to arrange for my re-admission. They eventually found my information, but let’s just say that her name is Dr HI for a reason. Once admitted, I had a nice little cubicle in emergency, a morphine IV and a fifteen hour wait (owing to the fact that Dr HI had ordered the wrong type of ultrasound --they only looked at my ovaries as opposed to my bowels and abdomen-- and I had to wait all day to get the one that internal medicine actually needed to assess my case).  Luckily, they provided lots of entertainment while I was waiting in the form of enemas ***** and blood tests.

At 1 a.m. I was told that I could no longer stay in my comfortable emergency cubicle (despite the fact that there were several empty ones) because Dr. HI had signed me onto my old ward on the fourth floor and they had no choice but to move me. The problem was that there were no beds left on the fourth floor, which is why I had asked to remain an outpatient until a bed became available. Apparently Dr HI didn’t remember or care about this, so I “slept” in the hall that night while my comfortable (relatively speaking) cubicle in emergency remained vacant .

This part of the story is starting to bore me, so I will try to sum up - basically I was handed off again to another incompetent  doctor who prescribed more enemas and walking around the ward (“to get things moving”)(obviously). My giant right ovary was still hanging out on the left side of my body and the pain was getting worse. Oh- and I finally got a room. And then a different room.  And more roommates, one more annoying than the next (who likes sharing a room with sick people?). And I was eight-and-a-half weeks pregnant.

On Monday I was informed that the ultrasound I had been waiting for all weekend had been postponed until Tuesday or Wednesday and I’d had it. I called my doctor (who had returned from his vacation the night before) and told him what was going on (he'd been briefed about my case but did not know that my ultrasound had been pushed back, yet again). So my doctor, who is not at all incompetent (I am not being sarcastic - I know it's hard to tell sometimes) took my case back. By that evening I’d had an MRI and had met with the surgeon who was going to perform my emergency surgery as my situation had become -get this-  life threatening.

The lead-up to surgery was scary. I was wheeled down to the OR, blind (you are not allowed to wear glasses or contacts) and alone (you are also not allowed to bring husbands and friends with you past a certain point) and was left outside the operating room while the doctors prepped. So I had time to worry -  to worry for my babies - the one that I had been carrying for almost nine weeks whom I had not yet met, but really, truly, already loved and the one who was at home likely wondering why the crap I hadn’t been around lately. I worried for myself - as I feel like my own life has become so precious, so valuable since becoming a mother. The idea of not seeing my sweet boy grow up, not being there to kiss him and nuzzle him and smell his sweet smell brings tears to me eyes even as I write this. I didn’t - don’t ever- want to leave  my son without a mother and Jacob all alone (at least for the six to eight week mourning period before he can conceivably start dating) to raise our beautiful boy. So I lay there in the stretcher and hoped that no-one could see that I was crying (because I’m pretty sure that rule about people not being able to see you if you can’t see them is not a real one).

So my fabulous doctor removed my right ovary and fallopian tube (which had been dead for days - had they untwisted it when the whole thing first happened, it would have been okay) and spent hours -literally- removing all of the necrotic tissue that had wrapped around my bowel causing an obstruction. I was fine and -miracle of miracles- so was the little baby that I was (am still!) carrying.

Post-surgery, the hospital sucked as much as ever (I finally got a private room having been on the wait list for nearly two weeks only to have it taken away again that day)(after I moved all of my stuff) as did the staff (my nurse forgot that she was supposed to catheterize me post-surgery leaving me with OVER A LITRE of liquid in my bladder until a very nice doctor figured out what was going on) and my recovery was slow (I wasn’t allowed to eat any solid food for another two weeks and I was STARVING) but being wheeled out of surgery was the beginning of a really happy ending to a story that could have ended much differently. So, in sum, I have one working ovary******, one amazing toddler, one healthy pregnancy and a husband who reminded me how incredible he really is. How’s that for a happy ending?

*okay, so this is supposed to be an Aliens reference, but I never saw the movie and can’t be bothered to Google it. Just humour me, okay?
**the part of labour that most people are generally drugged for and if they’re not it’s the point that they start begging for drugs. I too begged for drugs, but apparently I wasn’t screaming loud enough so they assumed that I was still in early labour.
***I actually love and believe in socialized medicine, I am just still a little bitter about the room situation. A few sleepless nights in a room with a slutty teenage roommate and a demented senior roommate who won’t stop crying out for Jesus will do that to a girl.
****Almost? Seriously?
*****You’d think that the fact that said enemas did not um- deliver any results- would have been their first good clue that I had a bowel obstruction, but it wasn’t. It was just a reason to keep giving me enemas. It was awesome and not at all uncomfortable or humiliating.
******Dr A had prescribed daily progesterone shots at the beginning of my hospital stay on the chance that my right ovary was no longer functioning. Had he not done so, I would have lost the pregnancy.

More excuses

So I haven’t updated my blog in a really long time. There have been a few reasons, including but not limited to the start of the fall TV schedule. Also, I enjoy writing about things that are going on in my life, but for quite some time I wasn’t able to discuss those things because they included trying to get pregnant* (I am still not planning on talking about this part, don’t panic Jacob) and then getting pregnant. The getting pregnant thing was fantastic but it also made me very tired. Tired enough to choose napping over blogging** And then I got sick. Like in-the-hospital-not caring-if the-back-of-my-gown-is-open while-I-am-wheeled-down-the-hall sick. But now that I am  healthy, thirty-one weeks into my pregnancy and the fall TV schedule is winding down, I really have no more excuses.

The post after this one is the one about my whole ordeal in hospital. I hope it isn’t too long or too un-funny but if it is, please just stop reading. It’s just one of those things I wanted to get out (and to have to refer people to when they ask about what happened so I don’t have to keep telling the story) but  in future I promise to go back to shorter, less serious and more regular posts (when I’m not napping).


*this phase only lasted a couple of months, but it really is all-consuming. Ask my husband. Actually, no.  Don’t.  Please, please don’t.

**hair washing, etc.

Why this too can be blamed on Jacob

I have been meaning to update for at least a week, maybe five or six but I’ve had trouble finding what to write about. Now this has nothing to do with writer’s block but has more to do with the fact that I am heavily censored (it’s basically China around here)(but with less yummy food). You see, I am a sharer and left to my own volition, I would talk about everything, but Jacob is very private and as such there are many things that he doesn’t want me discussing with the many, many tens of people who read my blog.

Of course, I also can't talk about work, not just because I’m not there right now, but because of privilege (and because I don’t want my colleagues to hate me)(does assuming they don’t already hate me make me super-conceited?). I can't talk about my neighbours, because Jacob thinks that they are bound to find out (and also because they are so wonderful, it would be nothing more than a love poem). I can't talk about Jacob, because he's already an egomaniac (slash super-private, Supra) and I can't talk about my parents and siblings because despite the apparent and immediate advantages, I suspect that being disowned might have a downside in the long term.

My other issue is of course the time factor – being at home with my kid means that I have a lot less time to myself. Whereas I have a pretty good amount of “me time” when I am working and have a regular lunch hour and (let’s face it) slow days at the office, at home my only “me time” takes place when Mr. Baby is sleeping. In fairness, he is a great napper, so I do have free time during the day, it just depends on whether I want to spend that time blogging or if I prefer to engage in one of my other glamorous hobbies like showering and making dinner (that’s right, if there is a blog entry posted on any given day, it’s fair to assume that I have dirty hair and /or a husband who will be getting Subway for supper*)

Of course I do have more free time in the evenings now that So You Think You Can Dance and the Bachelorette have ended for the season (yes, I watch the Bachelorette - I'm not sure why I love it so - perhaps it's because of my quickly-diminishing store of working brain cells (see previous post) or maybe it's Schadenfreude (sure, MY husband's annoying but at least he doesn't play the guitar/cheat/tell me how beautiful I am) or perhaps it's just because it's good for my self-esteem (those women might have perfect giant breasts, but none of them know how to use a possessive pronoun and EVERYONE knows that bad grammar cancels out a perfect body in the eyes of all men). Anyway, the point being that I plan to get some serious writing in before the fall shows start again. Really. I just have to find something to write about that isn’t related to my life, my husband’s life, my extended family, my neighbours or my job. Don’t worry though – I’m sure you will love my next series of blog posts, titled “Maddy. An Insider’s Look at how My Kitty Spends Her Days”.

*Before you call my mom, please note that I would never feed Mr. B. Subway—I make and freeze his meals in advance-- it’s just Jacob who gets to choose between honey mustard and regular this evening.

Chocolate as a Food Group

I eat a lot of chocolate. So much that if you asked me on any given day how much junk or candy I’d consumed, I would likely lie to you. It wouldn’t be one of those calculated lies you see so much of on 90210 (um, so I’ve heard), but rather it would be an unintentional lie of omission. 

I don’t count chocolate cupcakes as junk as long as they are called muffins (they can’t have any icing)(obviously). Fudgsicles count as a serving of milk as does hot chocolate, frozen yogurt and chocolate pudding (clearly). So basically if it’s not a candy bar, I can find a home for it in one of the four food groups recommended in Canada’s Food Guide to Healthy Eating. But, like the crack-addicted-movie-of-the-week-prostitute-who-gives-her-kid-up-for-adoption-gets-clean-and-spends-the-last-108-minutes-of-the-movie-in-a-custody-battle-trying-to-get-him-back, I want better for my son. I want him to be able to wait until after lunch to have his first chocolate bar of the day.* I want him to be able to walk through airport security without the foil in his pocket from a stray Hershey’s kiss setting off the alarm. I want him to be able to make friends at work without being influenced by who has the best candy jar on their desk. But I don’t know where to start and fear that it might be too late given that chocolate was the primary flavour he was exposed to in utero and through breast milk.

To be clear, every meal that my kid eats is homemade, balanced and organic. When I eat chocolate around him, I sneak eat it.** And, up until recently, I had him believing that if he was eating pumpernickel bread and I was eating a like- colored piece of cake, it was the same thing.  My mother did similar things with me, pushing raisins and apples while other kids got Wagon Wheels and Chips Ahoy. Clearly her system was an excellent one, given my very healthy and balanced approach to sweets as an adult.

That said, I understand why she did it. If one’s child loves fruit and vegetables and pumpernickel bread why taint his taste buds? It’s not child abuse to give one’s child broccoli for dessert if he likes the stuff, is it? But I worry – could I be addicted to chocolate because my mother took something that should be occasionally allowed and made it into something forbidden and therefore more desirable***? According to the dietician***** I consulted, yes. The occasional treat is better than no treat (or too many treats).

So, finally, a couple of weeks ago, I gave Mr. Baby a bite of a my chocolate muffin. He started laughing. Not smiling. Laughing.  And then he opened his sweet little mouth for another bite.

*Something I’ve been unable to do since we became Costco members

**A family tradition according to my mother who fed me nothing but “nature’s candy” until I was old enough to know better.

***She also took a similar approach to boys, which explains the icky man-whore**** I dated --and was so strangely attracted to-- when I was seventeen

****Icky man-whore, if you are reading this, sorry. But on a positive note, good job you for learning to read!

*****Yes, I went to see a dietician to ensure that I was feeding Mr B. all the right things. Being in charge of another person’s diet is stressful okay?