My husband made me stop lying about my age while we were still
dating (I used to shave off a year, just to take the edge off) and I truly
haven’t done it since. Though recently I have been tempted to shave a couple of
weeks off my daughter’s age. See, the thing is that I make small babies so my
seven-week-old currently looks about three weeks (she weighs just over eight
pounds) and I went through the same thing with my son.
Her small size is not something I worry about as she is healthy and growing and has been able to hold her head upright without support since the day she was born thankyouverymuch but I am still exhausted by people asking how old she is and then inevitably following up by telling me how tiny she is and how she looks younger than her age (as though I had not yet given her a really good, hard look). I do have a bunch of stock responses along the lines of “small people make small babies” or “a big baby would have required a paternity test” or even the “my son was small too and look how well he’s doing” at which time I point to my 26-month-old (who still wears size 18-24 months) as proof that I do indeed feed my children, but it’s still a conversation that I dread. Incidentally, people’s follow-up question (yes. they have follow up questions) tends to be “how much did she weigh when she was born?” which I find so irritating that my follow-up question has almost become “Why? How much do you weigh?”. Of course these comments fall into the harmless if irritating box --worse are the ones that are downright rude.
Take what happened three weeks ago - I was sitting on a bench outside, nursing my daughter while talking to my son (we had been walking home from the grocery store when the baby got very hungry). A random woman sits down next to me and tells me that my daughter is pretty. I realize that she is talking about my son and I correct her, while thanking her for the compliment. She defends herself by bringing my son’s long eyelashes into evidence (they are apparently “too long for a boy”)(at which time I make a mental note to stop putting mascara on my two-year-old. Son) She then looks at my daughter, who is now finished nursing, and tells me that she is too skinny. At this point I muster up every ounce of self-control I have (as this woman was surely NOT too skinny and I was tempted to tell her as much), put my daughter back into the stroller and walk away with my skinny daughter and girly son.
Afterwards, friends were full of suggestions about what I should have said to this opinionated stranger -- from the overly-polite-too-highroad-for-my-blood “thank you for your comments” to the clever “she is a girl-- she can never be too thin” to the very rude “eff off” but the bigger question is not necessarily what I should have said, but why this woman felt like it was acceptable to say anything to begin with. I mean, had I been standing there alone with my husband, would she have felt entitled to make similar appearance-related comments? (NOTE TO HUSBAND: I am not implying that you are girly-- I am merely tying to illustrate a point). Why are people’s children fair game? And by children, I am also including zygotes given that comments start the minute pregnancy is suspected (“is that a baby bump or a big lunch?”). And while most comments are harmless if inappropriate (for example the time a normally very respectful friend’s husband commented on the size of my usually-small-but-bigger-when-I’m-preggo-breasts) some really are not. For example, I was constantly made to feel worried and self-conscious because I didn’t show all that much until the very end of both of my pregnancies (“Wow! You’re nine months pregnant? You look less then six!”) and I have a friend who was constantly made to feel like a beluga whale during hers (“Wow! Only six months? You look like you’re ready to pop!”)
I wonder if people feel entitled to comment because of the manner in which pregnant celebrities and their babies are objectified in gossip magazines or because it’s assumed that once you are “with child” you are less person, more vessel. Though I have no clue why people feel a right to comment on our children’s appearances. It must come from the same place as their desire to constantly give unsolicited advice. Which I don’t know about you, but I find super helpful – in the same way that I find people who remind me that my baby shouldn’t be crying in public by giving me dirty looks helpful.
Her small size is not something I worry about as she is healthy and growing and has been able to hold her head upright without support since the day she was born thankyouverymuch but I am still exhausted by people asking how old she is and then inevitably following up by telling me how tiny she is and how she looks younger than her age (as though I had not yet given her a really good, hard look). I do have a bunch of stock responses along the lines of “small people make small babies” or “a big baby would have required a paternity test” or even the “my son was small too and look how well he’s doing” at which time I point to my 26-month-old (who still wears size 18-24 months) as proof that I do indeed feed my children, but it’s still a conversation that I dread. Incidentally, people’s follow-up question (yes. they have follow up questions) tends to be “how much did she weigh when she was born?” which I find so irritating that my follow-up question has almost become “Why? How much do you weigh?”. Of course these comments fall into the harmless if irritating box --worse are the ones that are downright rude.
Take what happened three weeks ago - I was sitting on a bench outside, nursing my daughter while talking to my son (we had been walking home from the grocery store when the baby got very hungry). A random woman sits down next to me and tells me that my daughter is pretty. I realize that she is talking about my son and I correct her, while thanking her for the compliment. She defends herself by bringing my son’s long eyelashes into evidence (they are apparently “too long for a boy”)(at which time I make a mental note to stop putting mascara on my two-year-old. Son) She then looks at my daughter, who is now finished nursing, and tells me that she is too skinny. At this point I muster up every ounce of self-control I have (as this woman was surely NOT too skinny and I was tempted to tell her as much), put my daughter back into the stroller and walk away with my skinny daughter and girly son.
Afterwards, friends were full of suggestions about what I should have said to this opinionated stranger -- from the overly-polite-too-highroad-for-my-blood “thank you for your comments” to the clever “she is a girl-- she can never be too thin” to the very rude “eff off” but the bigger question is not necessarily what I should have said, but why this woman felt like it was acceptable to say anything to begin with. I mean, had I been standing there alone with my husband, would she have felt entitled to make similar appearance-related comments? (NOTE TO HUSBAND: I am not implying that you are girly-- I am merely tying to illustrate a point). Why are people’s children fair game? And by children, I am also including zygotes given that comments start the minute pregnancy is suspected (“is that a baby bump or a big lunch?”). And while most comments are harmless if inappropriate (for example the time a normally very respectful friend’s husband commented on the size of my usually-small-but-bigger-when-I’m-preggo-breasts) some really are not. For example, I was constantly made to feel worried and self-conscious because I didn’t show all that much until the very end of both of my pregnancies (“Wow! You’re nine months pregnant? You look less then six!”) and I have a friend who was constantly made to feel like a beluga whale during hers (“Wow! Only six months? You look like you’re ready to pop!”)
I wonder if people feel entitled to comment because of the manner in which pregnant celebrities and their babies are objectified in gossip magazines or because it’s assumed that once you are “with child” you are less person, more vessel. Though I have no clue why people feel a right to comment on our children’s appearances. It must come from the same place as their desire to constantly give unsolicited advice. Which I don’t know about you, but I find super helpful – in the same way that I find people who remind me that my baby shouldn’t be crying in public by giving me dirty looks helpful.
Note: an edited version of this piece was originally published by b5media www.mommyish.com
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